I coulda been a doctor, with my natural ability –
I even know mortality is different than morbidity.
I really understand this stuff; the doctors are amazed by me.
One more group of professionals by which I’m roundly praised, you see.
Starve a fever, feed a cold, and get a flu shot on a schedule:
It’s not rocket science, so I see no need to go to med school.
How do I know so much? It’s in my genes; my super-genius uncle
Worked at MIT. (Another word for “abscess” is “carbuncle.”)
Is this a virus, or the flu? It’s pretty clear nobody knows which;
That’s why I’m in charge – deciding what’s the proper vaccine dosage.
Someone said it’s gonna take a year before they can submit it;
If it isn’t ready in a couple months, I’ll throw a shit fit.
Coronavirus testing kits are perfect, like my phone call was.
A quarantine keeps scum from coming in, just like my own wall does.
The people on those cruise ships who are sick? They should remain at sea
So we don’t have to count them here – that’s how it was explained to me.
Every now and then I give consideration to an urge, and
Think I’ll give up politics to launch a practice as a surgeon.
Bragging just how smart I am has long been part of my façade;
Doctors, just as I do, often tend to think that they are God.