When it comes to law enforcement in this country: I’m the chief.
I can pardon anybody, set them free – that’s my belief.
I can serve as judge and jury, perhaps even executor.
But I might ask Donald Junior, since that boy’s a real sharpshooter.
I can shape our country’s legal system just as I see fit.
What is now before the SCOTUS, I could ask them to remit.
I will issue all my rulings with a recommended sentence:
No time served – if you appeared on The Celebrity Apprentice.
If your crime was one of lying, or of fraud, or of corruption,
You’ll be back out on the street with hardly any interruption.
I’m not certain of the difference between “pardoned” and “commuted,”
But it doesn’t really matter, since my power’s undisputed.
If you’ve ever been arrested and had given a false statement,
Don’t you worry, not a problem – I will gladly grant abatement.
If your family can’t spend time with you because you’re in the pokey,
I can spring you just like that – next day, you’re singing karaoke.
You broke the law regarding some financial indiscretion?
We’ll pretend it never happened, and dispose of your confession.
If involved in a conspiracy, or in some interstate scheme,
I don’t think that’s such a big deal; with my pen I’ll wipe the slate clean.
If your crime is of the type that people like to call “white collar,”
I can grant you absolution; doesn’t matter who might holler.
Just as long as you are willing to proclaim that I’m your savior,
Then I’m willing to indulge your inexcusable behavior.