As I gaze over my shoulder at the year I’ve left behind,
I’ve accomplished more than all the other Presidents combined.
Maybe Lincoln’s the exception to this boast – but maybe not,
Since my preference in a President is one who’s not been shot.
I have made tremendous progress on that border-hugging wall.
We’ve begun to lay the groundwork on… 11 miles? That’s all?
Many claims I make will not stand up to scrutiny historic,
So I’ve chosen to make use of proclamations metaphoric.
Our economy’s the greatest, and you ain’t seen nothin’ yet
(Never mind the several trillions I have added to our debt).
There are many more folks working than at any other time
(Since our population’s grown, and there are more people alive).
The trade deficit has shrunk as I add tariff after tariff
(Yet they’re paid by the consumer, which I’m strangely unaware of).
There’s a server in Ukraine, with its location still a mystery
(That claim has been debunked, to be condemned as “False” by history).
My approach led to a cease-fire; Turkey laid down arms in Syria
(My withdrawal of our troops directly led to that hysteria).
The Zelenskyy call was perfect – read the transcript; there’s your verdict
(Just ignore the testimony of those witnesses who heard it).
With a hurricane on course for Alabama; skies grew darker
(The official map was faulty, but I fixed it with a marker).
All of ISIS was defeated – at least, that’s what I’ve been sayin’
(That was called the “biggest lie” by my golf buddy, Lindsey Graham).
Robert Mueller said, “EXONERATED!” wholly and completely
(As was summarized by William Barr, who said so indiscreetly).
My foundation gave out millions – as a lavish donor might.
(Once New York said, “Shut it down! You’re clearly lacking oversight.”)
The number of illegals who got in became much smaller
(We sent them back to Mexico to live in fear and squalor).
And those family separations? Blame laid on my predecessor
(Even though my zero-tolerance approach was the transgressor).
After several more mass shootings, I said changes surely coming
(But the NRA put pressure on; to their view I’m succumbing.)
I’ve made it clear I’ll never strip your right to own a handgun
(Therefore, expanding background checks is something I’ve abandoned).
I could go on – and on – and on, with tweets as testimony
To achievements I lay claim to but are then ID’d as phony.
If the things I did in Twenty-Nineteen made you glum, and cringe,
Then just wait for Twenty-Twenty – I’ll completely come unhinged.