Donald Trump addressing the nation from the Oval Office

Televised Distress

There is a growing crisis, I’m on TV now to talk about it:
Sitting in the Oval Office; tanner sprayed; hair neatly styled.
Immigrants and drugs are pouring in – and none of you should doubt it.
Here’s a list of so-called “facts” to share I have made up compiled:

Every single day the CBP turns back more than a thousand
(“Thousand” sounds much better than if I had chosen to say “hundreds”)
Immigrants intent on killing us (they’re not just here to browse), and
People will keep dying ‘til the border wall’s completely funded.

As you know, a vegetarian will feast on only veggies;
Pescatarians have strong affinities for oily fish.
So: humanitarians are… people-eaters? That seems edgy.
Let’s say it’s an altruistic crisis I am here to squish.

When I speak of immigrants, I often use the word “illegal”
(Even though the act of immigrating here is not a crime).
Calling them “asylum-seekers” sounds to me like so much treacle;
Say unauthorized – that’s too polite; but alien‘s sublime.

Gotta build a wall to keep out heroin and fentanyl
(Even though it mostly comes through open, legal ports of entry).
Some said please don’t go there; irregardless, folks, I went in still:
Using language meant to foster fear, and not persuading gently.

I said this is paid for by the great new trade deal I have brokered
(Let’s ignore for now the math, and how the Congress may not pass it).
Details are still hazy, like they came out from some back-room smoker.
All those times I said, “Mexico pays!” – you know I just half-assed it.

The government remains shut down, and shut down for one reason only:
Democrats won’t pony up; it’s our protection they are wrecking.
I’ve staked my position and I won’t relent (although I’m lonely) –
So what if eight-hundred-thousand workers overdraw their checking?

I’m fighting with the Democrats and trying to regain control
(And not all in the GOP are sticking with me on this, either).
I’m calling this a crisis of the heart and crisis of the soul.
You may not be surprised to find your President has (drumroll…) neither.

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