A large tabletop map in a war room with toy tanks and soldiers

General Eclectic

If I had been a general, I think I’d be a really good one.
Devising battle plans, deploying troops: I think that’s quite inviting.
Handsome in my uniform, I’d have a very long and good run –
As long as there was no need to become involved in actual fighting.

I’d know more about combatants than the highest-ranking officer;
Just watch me push around those toy-sized tanks and soldiers on a big map.
I’d always be victorious, no matter what the cost incurred –
As long as you don’t think between “complete” and “almost” is a big gap.

Like Rommel in the desert, I would be a masterful tactician.
(Many Allies praised him, even though I guess he was a Nazi.)
But don’t put me near sand and death; I don’t think that should be my mission:
Station me in Florida, with Mar-A-Lago as the hot seat.

On a great big world map, I’d make a mark where all war zones were:
Fights between two enemies? Then my command: “Let’s stay out of it.”
In custom-fitted jackboots (with orthotics in them, due to bone spurs)
Troops would hoot and holler when I visit – there is no doubt of it.

I just fired a general who I felt hadn’t done much for me.
(Some say he resigned in protest – but that’s not the way I see it.)
I’d have seven stars; that’s more than anyone who came before me.
The world would be a safer place with me in charge – I guarantee it.

Left unsaid in all of this is that I *am* the Chief Commander;
Every single soldier is already under my direction.
Even those in uniform have been subjected to my slander.
Wonder if the troops will still support me, come the next election?

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