Ipso Maniac

Kavanaugh was honest when he talked about his boozing.
Not sure if ale or lager was the poison of his choosing.
I’ve never in my whole life had a beer or any drink –
Can you imagine if I had? A painful thought to think.

I’m in my early seventies and resolutely sober.
(Melania’s been known to down a shot when I disrobe her.)
Not even when in high school, as those other kids went crazy.
I remember everything; their memories are hazy.

I’ve never quenched my thirst with beer, or Zima, or tequila.
Don’t have a row of shot glasses as travel memorabilia.
I’ve never had a hangover I needed to conceal
(Unlike a certain Senator, whose name I won’t reveal).

Of course, if I had chosen to use booze to quench my thirst
I wouldn’t be just any drunk: I’d be the world’s worst.
While some think alcohol consumption is a form of sinning,
If I decided to imbibe, you know that I’d be winning.

I’d piss away the money Daddy gave me to get started.
The path he’d planned for me to follow now would be uncharted.
“Good God!” they’d say, “Just look at him! He’s drunken and he hiccups! He
Had better sober up or else he’s headed straight for bankruptcy!”

I might have gotten married to a woman who adores me
But, due to my behavior, she’d eventually divorce me.
I might have been unfaithful and indulged in some lewd preferences
While boasting of my prowess and demeaning with crude references.

I might have been dismissive in a way that I thought clever
By claiming that a journalist bled out of her whatever.
If someone didn’t clap for me, I’d brand them as a traitor.
I’d speculate if someone weren’t my daughter, I would date her.

I’d state I’d witnessed things on TV no one else had viewed.
I’d lash out at celebrities and draw them into feuds.
I’d stage gigantic rallies where I’d falsely offer bright hopes.
I’d blow on my dog whistle, which is only heard by white folks.

I’d stir up fear of immigrants throughout the population,
And institute a policy of family separation.
I’d push for poorly-written bills, then sidestep repercussions.
I’d pilfer an election by colluding with the Russians.

I would have tumbled down that escalator, bruised and battered.
Proclaiming as a candidate no longer would have mattered.
Instead, I’d be a laughing stock (as some claim happened recently;
It’s OK if you’re laughing with, but at is an indecency.)

Thank goodness that I do not drink, and keep my wits about me.
That’s why I’m now your President — what would you do without me?
If I had been elected and did not possess this rectitude,
Imagine all the horrors that would stem from my ineptitude.

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