Phone Up To It

I made a big show about redoing NAFTA.
If done right the first time, then I wouldn’t hafta.
But now I have fixed it. Here’s some esoterica:
I’ve just learned Canada’s in North America.

I worked out a deal with the leader of Mexico,
And then the last step was a call where we’d say hello,
Extol its features, and speak in a deeper tone.
Here’s an idea: do it live, on a speakerphone.

Peña Nieto is calling: Line One.
Chat for a few minutes, then we’ll be done.
I punch the button: “Hello there, Enrique?”
There’s nobody there… this is getting quite freak-ay.

Let’s try again, perhaps on Line Two.
There’s still no one there – what the hell did you do?
I staged this call live and we’re on all the stations…
Someone’s jeopardizing our countries’ relations.

Finally! I’ve got this man on the line.
He’ll have to hang in there while I’m speechifyin’.
Now it’s his turn to talk. Wow, sounds distinguished!
Oh, that’s his translator? Speaks real good English.

Was this a collect call? There’s no way I’m payin’…
I need to get back to dismissing McCain.
You’re sending a hug, Ricky? Hey, man — I feel ya’.
I don’t really drink, so no need for tequila.

We won’t call this “NAFTA,” since that name blows chunks.
First draft was Obama’s and his band of punks.
The new version’s set, just as soon as we’ve added a
Couple of signatures. And, of course – Canada.

Justin Trudeau, although he is quite handsome,
Is trying to hold trade imbalance for ransom.
It’s not fair what they charge for products like dairy,
Which leads to this bickering pecuniary.

If Justin refuses to play along nicely
We’ll hit him with tariffs (not figured precisely).
I’ll twist his arm so much he’ll scream, “Sacré bleu!
That art of the deal really works – tried and true.

At least we’ve got Mexico; we’re halfway there.
Although nothing’s finalized, victory’s declared.
Pin blame on the Congress if this thing derails;
Not my fault if one more initiative fails.

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