I need to provide a distraction, from allegations of corruption,
And so I decided to weigh in on what I felt caused all this wildfire eruption.
As Secretary of Interior, I need to explain how to care for this:
And so I made clear that the cause of these fires was a group of environmental terrorists.
It may have to do with the weather, but there’s no connection to climate change.
It’s due to some hippies who keep logging companies far, far away from the forest range.
By keeping at bay timber barons, these groups – all comprised of extremists –
Prevent logging old growth that’s subject to fires, which then leads to the plains being treeless.
While fires are a natural occurrence, we see them get bigger and bigger.
And science be damned, I refuse to believe climate change should be named as the trigger.
I’d much rather finger the radicals, and blame them for loss of the lumber,
That way I can ease regulations and let the big businesses chop unencumbered.
I recall the first line of a poem: “I think that I shall never see…”
And then yada yada… It finally ends when it claims only God can make trees.
Those figures of speech work for poets, but I know that trees come from saplings.
Just look around, people: there’s trees everywhere! It’s the fires with which I am grappling.
I’ll get to the root of the problem (with apologies for a poor pun).
I’ll say that it’s environmentalists’ fault – and I certainly won’t blame the sun.
The President’s faulting a governor, and says water’s been misdirected.
(I’m not going to say that the President’s wrong… But for Christ’s sake — how’d he get elected?)
As long as I stay in the pocket of lobbyists and all their clients,
I’ll listen to how they advise me, and turn a blind eye to the wisdom of science.
It’s not just the trees that I’m risking – there’s people involved and they’re hurtin’.
But all of that takes a backseat while I profit from deals I’ve made with Halliburton.
My wife runs a family nonprofit, and land that it owns will be used
As part of a big Halliburton domain – within which we will sell microbrews.
We said that the land would be public, but now looks like we’ll make some money.
The media’s sinking its claws into this, like when Smokey Bear first tasted honey.
So let’s open parks to strip mining, and forget about threats to rare species –
Inevitably when you walk in the woods there’s a chance that you’ll step into feces.
Please don’t think I am taking advantage of the trappings tied to my position:
It’s not that I’m selling out here – I’m just making a living on draw plus commission.