Capitalizing On Discontent

DO NOT THREATEN ME, ROUHANI, OR I’LL BRING ON YOUR COLLAPSE.
YOU KNOW I’M REALLY SERIOUS; I’M TYPING IN ALL CAPS.
NEVER, EVER THREATEN US OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES,
THE LIKES OF WHICH WILL OVERWHELM YOUR ALMOST-NUCLEAR DEFENSES.

YOUR WORDS OF VIOLENCE AND DEATH ARE CLEARLY QUITE DEMENTED.
YOU MENTIONED “MOTHER OF ALL WARS,” AS IF WAR IS PARENTED.
YOU SAID DON’T PLAY WITH LION’S TAIL; THAT MIGHT LEAD TO A HASSLE —
AND NOW YOU’VE FOUND THE TAIL LEADS DIRECTLY TO AN ASSHOLE.

YOU’RE MAD THAT I WITHDREW AND LEFT THE NUCLEAR PACT IN SHAMBLES —
WHEN I DID NOT PULL OUT, IT’S CLAIMED, FROM INSIDE STORMY DANIELS.
THE PATH TO PEACE OBAMA PUSHED FOR NOW IS SET TO SPOIL.
AND HERE IS HOW WE’LL PUNISH YOU: STOP IMPORTS OF CRUDE OIL.

MY SECRETARY, MIKE POMPEO, TWEETS GOD’S ON OUR SIDE;
NOT SURE HOW MUCH HEFT THAT WILL BRING, SINCE ALLAH IS *YOUR* GUY.
REGRET, YOU SAY, FROM PLAYING WITH THAT TAIL WILL BE ETERNAL.
IMPLIED IN MY RESPONSE, I CALL YOU “SEX, OF TYPE MATERNAL.”

YOU BETTER UNDERSTAND THAT WE NO LONGER ARE A COUNTRY
WITH PATIENCE ON THE WORLD STAGE, SO, HASSAN: DON’T CONFRONT ME.
SANCTIONS TO BE REIMPOSED AND WE WILL NOT BE HESITANT.
(Besides, this takes the focus off my love for Russia’s president.)

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