I’m back from DPRK with a whole new attitude:
I’m planning to adopt what I’ll now call a “gangster mood.”
I’m sick and tired of sticking to the rules of old diplomacy;
From this day on – you cross us and you’ll say these three words: “Woe is me.”
The President adopted this persona from Day One.
I used to find it frightening – now I think it’s kinda fun.
Dear North Koreans: know the next time that I meet with you,
Your insults will bounce off me ‘cause I’m rubber, and you’re glue.
No more negotiating – going forward you’ll be mad as
A hornet’s nest poked with a stick because I’m now a badass.
It’s my way or the highway; no more give-and-take between us.
You’ll think your offer’s fair, but I will not let you demean us.
We’ll save a lot of time once we get rid of give-and-take.
You’ll say, “This isn’t right,” and I’ll say, “Go jump in a lake.”
I’ll wear you down relentlessly – you’ll all find me intractable.
Concessions will not come from us – from you they’ll be extractable.
So now that I’m a gangster, all my suits will be pinstripe.
I’ll only smoke cigars, and throw away the old peace pipe.
When I stroll into conferences adorned with a fedora
You might as well give up, since it is clear that I abhor ya’.
When I bypass security and come toting a gatling,
Concessions like machine gun fire from your mouths will be rattling.
I’ll claim I’m being reasonable, but you should lightly tread
Around me, or else you’ll wake up next to a horse’s head.
All the experts said with Kim Jong-un we should be wary,
But that’s why Trump brought Rudy in as his consigliere.
When I returned from this trip, I gave Donald Trump my recaps.
His orders: next time you see Kim Yong Chol, bust up his kneecaps.
So once the deal is done, we will embrace; I’ll kiss your cheek.
And then my boss will tweet how he is strong, and you are weak.
Il capo Donald Trump will get his base to start their rootin’ —
Too bad di tutti capi lives in Russia; his name’s Putin.