When I was picked to run an agency for which I had contempt,
It turned into reality a wish that I for long had dreamt.
I’d sued the EPA so many times, my fingers could not count.
The number now of scandals that have brought me down is tantamount.
I wrote a letter to the President, in which I did resign.
I took it as my final chance to pucker up, kiss his behind.
I said it was a blessing to have served him, and I wished Godspeed
Because if I run for the Senate, his endorsement I will need.
I claimed I and my family had been the subject of attacks.
I said they were unprecedented — if you disregard the facts.
I really didn’t cop to anything of which I’d been accused:
That way, there are no words that later on against me can be used.
The scandals that enveloped me, I blamed them all on underlings.
I was too busy acting as if I’d been named the King of Kings.
It started with that condo, where I paid for just the nights I’d sleep.
I blame the lobbyists who owned it — they charged me a price too cheap.
A dozen pens that cost more than a thousand dollars I did seek;
Sure — Staples sells packs for just fifteen bucks, but they’re the kind that leak.
I asked a lackey if she’d phone around and try to buy a mattress;
That’s the kind of simple task that ultimately proved disastrous.
The pace at which I undermined safe standards was unprecedented,
Due to all the lobbyists’ demands with which I was presented.
I was on a mission and was not distracted by commotion;
That is why I had security: to help me find hand lotion.
I asked another aide to find my wife a job that paid six digits.
Didn’t matter what it was — fundraising, or just counting widgets.
Too bad that did not pan out, just like her shot at Chick-Fil-A.
A salary and benefits for her, before mine went away.
It’s fortunate a deputy will step into my now-scuffed shoes.
A former coal lobbyist (you might have heard this on the news).
Now I am out, and he is in — developments are concomitant.
A perfect illustration of the devil known, and one you didn’t.
The media vendetta waged against me, some thought very vicious.
But I am not worried — I have many friends to grant my wishes.
They will find a job for me that pays me more; at least the same sum:
I’ll slither out from underneath a better rock than where I came from.